Some Me Time.

It is 3am and I should be sleeping; I recognize that. Instead, I am writing my first post in three months while watching a Disney movie. My dog is asleep next to me, the cat across the room, LO and DH in bed. The exhaustion has been almost unbearable lately with a sick, teething baby having breathing troubles. And yet, I don't want to go to sleep.

I woke up early this morning and brought LO to the doctor to make sure her cold was only a cold. I watched her all day and didn't get the break that comes with naps. Because she hasn't been napping lately. DH came home and it was straight to writing. Then, he wanted to go to the mall and wander to get out of the house. LO, though, needed to go to bed and instead became overtired.

Lately, DH has been frustrated, tired, and angers easily. This means he has a hard time with a sick, overtired baby and generally his frustration makes her frustrated. So I was up with her until midnight before she fell asleep, procrastinating the rest of my writing even more. I finally finished an hour ago, changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and am now enjoying the moment.

I can count on my hands the number of moments I've had to myself in the past year. I'm either a stay at home mom with a baby that wants to know and be in everything, avoiding naps, and making for long days. In between that and after, I am writing for two different companies while making feeble attempts at crafting my own business. When DH gets home, I write and watch the baby when he just can't. That means most nights I am up until 1am to get work done, then to bed to wake up every couple hours (or every 30 minutes while LO is sick) to nurse. At 8am, 9am if I am lucky, she is up and ready for the day and I am still exhausted. Each day continues like this until the weekend when I can sleep in. By the time I wake up, the day is gone except for time to run a few errands before dinner and putting the baby to sleep.

The house is a disaster, we have no holiday decorations up. There are dirty diapers waiting for the wet bag to dry so they can be put away. Dried peas are mashed into the floor, the couch is stained, and I have old spit up on my pants. And, I am still enjoying this moment. I cannot remember the last me time I have had. Without having to worry about a baby. Without having to worry about an overwhelmed husband. Even in the exhaustion and high anxiety, this moment is refreshing and meditative.

Now, DH has awoken after the baby stirred and it is over. Time for sleep and in a few hours, real sleep. Uninterrupted sleep. And, maybe sometime this week, a little more time for me.

Oh, How She Grows.

LO is starting to fit into 18 month clothes. Not her legs yet, they aren't that long. But shirts and dresses. She has learned how to wave, clap, high five, low five, and strum her lips like a guitar. She can pick up a ball and call it by its name. She says mama and dada. She can point at pictures of other babies and say baby. When she waves, she says bave. When she wants milk, she says mimi mimi. 

She has also found her whining voice. Oh, gosh, she is such a good whiner. She is tall and almost walking. She talks constantly. She doesn't sleep. Her teeth want to come in so badly, but they aren't. She gives mama kisses and hugs that nobody else gets. She loves to hide behind curtains and jump out. Or squat lower than the couch and jump up. Or hide behind me and jump from side to side. 

LO loves her dinosaurs possibly the best of all her toys. She loves climbing and is always extremely proud of herself. She loves her kitty and puppy, even when her puppy has extreme jealous. She is starting to hate clothes again, but hasn't figure out how to pull them off yet. 

She is incredibly intelligent, almost ten months, beautiful, stubborn, super silly, and her own person more every day. 

Attachment Parenting

My therapist wants to make sure I attach to my daughter and vice versa. But, she said she can tell E is attached to me - I just have to work on my side. Not that we aren't bonded or that I don't love her. We have a relationship, at this point it is making sure it continues to grow in a positive manner. So we are trying to do attachment parenting to accomplish this.

Attachment parenting means that you breastfeed (if possible), babywear, co-sleep. You don't let you baby cry, you read her signals. You get to know what she needs when she needs it before tantrums occur. And, I am breastfeeding. Check. I know her signals, check. I generally know what she needs, check.

But, I have stopped babywearing and I am not sure exactly why. Perhaps it is a little laziness. My excuses: its summer and hot and she is heavy. I get tired and sweaty and now put her in a stroller while we walk. I wish wish wish they made strollers where the baby could face you instead of the outside world. That is one of the reasons you babywear. She is able to block out overstimulation, see your face to know things are okay. In a stroller facing away from you, neither of these things can occur. And she doesn't need to face forward. Sure, its a new view, but there is nothing she needs to see that she can't see behind me.

We are co-sleeping, but frankly its due to necessity. E demands it. If we didn't co-sleep, I wouldn't sleep. DH probably would. She sleeps better when she is next to the warmth of a person. Leave her alone in the room and she doesn't sleep nearly as well and wakes up screaming and scared. Eventually it will get better and eventually we will both learn how to sleep with her in her fabulous crib. I can attest to the mattress being quite comfortable. I think, though, I am just as wary of her being in her own room as she is. But, for me, it is a control thing and something I just have to get over. I like knowing she is safe next to me and not worrying about whether she is breathing or if someone broke in. That's really why I like co-sleeping - because I get to be emotionally more comfortable as well. Let's face it though, she won't want to sleep in my bed until she moves out.

And, I try not to let her cry. I really do. But, sometimes I know she is crying because she needs to vent. Because she is tired and uncomfortable and can't fall asleep (heredity problem perhaps?). All I can do is let her know I am there, touch her hand, hold her if she will let me. If she is throwing a tantrum, she gets to have them. I try distraction, but if she really really wants that cat hairball to eat, she'll learn to be disappointed and get over it. I won't leave her crying if she is hurt, scared, or needing comfort. Though, I will admit. Somedays, I am just so tired. Like last Friday, when the crazy girl woke up at 6am and refused naps and was crabby and I was so so exhausted. It was all I could muster not to breakdown crying. On days like those, I am nowhere near as attentive. I make sure she is safe, but I don't really interact with her. I know that her crying will continue and so I take longer to get to it, just hoping hoping hoping she will find something to distract her back to the happy stage. It can get so overwhelming.

We are in the process of nightweaning. Some nights it is successful and she'll go 4 hours without eating (still waking however). Some nights she wakes back up 10 minutes after DH puts her down and I have to feed her anyways because he won't get back up a second time. But, we are staying consistent and eventually she is going to break and learn how to continue sleeping rather than needing help to fall back asleep. Who knows when, but it will happen.

And, we are going to restart trying to give her a bedtime again. She seems to do best when she falls asleep at 830. If nothing wakes her up: dog, alarm clock, snoring, gas, she sleeps 12 hours (waking up every 2ish). It isn't ideal, but it is an improvement. She is also more likely to nap and let's face it, we are both much happier. DH doesn't want to restart this week only because we are trying to tackle the bathroom before my parents arrive next week. So every night there is sanding, painting, ripping out tile. Not having a toilet for 2 days. Things like that. Things that make schedules in progress a tad hard since we have no idea how long it may take her to fall asleep. However, if I feel adventurous, I may start it by myself because I am so tired and its only MONDAY. Oi, here is to a long week. Let's hope we all get better sleep. And, let's hope I am not failing at attachment parenting and that I am giving enough of myself to my daughter. Even on the days all I can offer is milk and safety.

Survival.

I've never been good at maintaining a journal or anything really. My ideas and intentions remain present, but my motivation and drive falters. Unless it is a project I can finish quickly or see progress. This is not progress and there is no finish. But the main reason for my blogging hiatus is post partum depression.

It hit me. Beginning in February. I knew there was a problem, but I thought at that point I was strong enough to survive it. I was exhausted. I lied when I said I was okay. I was overwhelmed. Stressed. Not just about being a parent, but finances, a lack of family and community, the isolation, not knowing who I am. My nipples still hurt every time she ate, my only break was a 10 minute shower. My husband tried the best he could, but looking back it wasn't enough and I allowed that.

I have panic attacks every month due to the return of my period and therefore hormone surges my body isn't used to. There is not a birth control I can be on until I stop breastfeeding - another five months minimally. So until then, I just have to keep surviving. I became so tired and so anxious, the depression overtook me. To the point I would be suicidal. I had to be babysat while I was watching my own baby. And, sometimes, I still get there. But I know it is always due to a lack of sleep. To a lack of caring for myself. 

So I started taking Zoloft on April 1. Does it help? I don't know. I don't know if its the pills, going back to weekly therapy, forging friendships, forcing myself and the baby out the door every day. Trying to be a positive thinker. Somewhere in there something is working, or it is all working. 

At this moment, we are seven months in. I have learned that I allow myself to be neglected because I put my needs last. The main one being sleep. That my husband is going to be frustrated and overwhelmed with a screaming baby because at seven months, it is the first time he has really had to deal with it. I still get up every 2 hours on average at night because she wants to eat. But, during the evenings, he takes her because she has to learn self-soothing to some extent. Food can't be her comfort forever, especially with her teeth coming in. Ouch. And so these two people, know of each other, but don't really know each other yet. That is a struggle for them both. And for me. I don't want to listen to her crying and I don't want to listen to his complaining. They both tense up, cry in their own ways, and so the cycle continues. But, who knows where I would be if I couldn't just throw a boob in her face. 

I am still depressed. I am still anxious. I am still alone. I am still trying to find me. I am still poor. But, I do know my daughter. I do know what I need. I am starting to find a voice, and learning that it must be loud. Right now, it must be the loudest. Because, now I know, if I am not heard, I know where that leads. And I don't want that to be my exit. 

Here is to getting through the next five months. To remembering, this really is so much easier right now than it was at the beginning. Instead of a newborn, I have a crawling, healthy, baby with a huge personality. She laughs when I laugh. Smiles when I smile. And sometimes, falls asleep when I fall asleep. And stays asleep with me - for at least a couple hours. How can that not make you happy? 

Better Than I Can.

While this post doesn't cover all the emotions and changes you go through in becoming a Mom, it states the loss of identity in a way I have yet to be able to express. Especially because I haven't been able to get DH to understand what we are going through is not similar. It is nice to read about someone else who gets it.

http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/

Cloth Diapers.

I knew as soon as it was an option that we would be cloth diapering. From what I hear, a lot of people have trouble convincing their partners it is a viable option. Luckily, I didn't have that problem. All it took was mentioning how much money we'd save (an average of a few thousand dollars over the course of one child) and he was in. Maybe because he hadn't even experienced diapers in general that helped too?

We did have to put LO in disposables at the start, so I choose naturally made ones. Her umbilical cord had some issues and then DH was afraid of leaking so he was scared of cloth. The same day he said that, LO had her first and open poop explosion going up the back in a disposable diaper. We have been exclusive cloth diapering since!

We have about 25 pocket diapers. So there is a shell with a pocket and you shove an insert in there. They are one size, so they have snaps to fit from birth to potty training. We use Alvas, Sunbabys and G-Diapers. The G-Diapers are hand me downs and the rest are super affordable - a few bucks a diaper (including the insert). We single stuff and change every 2ish hours during the day and double stuff during the night so we don't need to change as often.

Yes, they make her bum look pretty darn large, but its also super cute! We have fun prints - spiderman, colorful circles, birds on a wire, flowers, lace. Anything you can dream of is on a diaper. In fact, we are about to have batman and elephant printed diapers on the way. And, LO had a diaper rash constantly in the disposables, now her bum is much friendlier looking.

Why people think its gross? The poop. The smell of a couple days old pee that has been sitting in a wet bag. Yep, it isn't pleasant. But totally doable. I wash her diapers once every 3 days (or less if she went through a lot). Since I breastfeed, I don't have to pretreat anything. I just pull out the insert, dump both in the washer and go. A cold rinse to get poop off, a hot wash to disinfect and a cold rinse to make sure the soap is definitely out. Then dry on low. It takes about 2 hours. We also use cloth wipes, which go in the same load so we don't have to buy any. Our electric bill and water bill have not gone up at all with the extra laundry. And when the sun comes out again, we won't need the dryer.

When LO starts eating solids, then I'll need to make sure to scrap the poop off the diaper. But it is a lot easier these days. You can do it the old fashion way and swirl it around the toilet, use an old spatula to get the poop off. Or you can use a diaper sprayer hooked to your toilet and wash it down. Or, if you are really grossed out by it, get organic bamboo (or other) flushable liners. You put it on top of the diaper and then just lift and flush when there is poop. It is biodegradable and something you can feel okay about.

So for oh maybe $300 we have all the diapers we'll need until she is potty trained. And then for nothing, we'll have the diapers we need for our next kid. Sure, I'll find cute prints here and there to add into the collection, but I don't need to. And we will never go, shit, I need a diaper and have to run to the store. Because we never run out. It is just a load of laundry away.

Granola Crunchy.

In today's baby world, people like me are called Crunchy or a Hippy. I prefer crunchy because when I think of hippy, well, people don't always use that word to mean the nicest things anymore (generally it means you're dirty, gross and probably high - of these I am none. Well definitely not high. I may be dirty and gross if I am covered with spit up or have poop on my hand I didn't see. Things like that).

Crunchy parents are those who want do to everything as organically as possible. It generally starts out with wanting a natural birth so you aren't giving drugs to your unborn baby or affecting the length of your labor. That was my intention, but I would not have made it without pain medication.

Then it generally consists of people who do these things:

- Exclusively breastfeed: I am gracefully allowed the ability to do this so far and hope I make it as long as I want to. Some people feed for the first few years of life, I will probably stop around the one year age. While I am uncomfortable with older children feeding, it is the choice of the parent/child so its not my place to say anything about it. If you can't breastfeed at all, that doesn't make you less crunchy or less of a Mom. But a crunchy Mom might just use glass bottles :)

-Cloth Diapers: Eco-Friendly, Baby Butt Friendly. My next post will be on this.

-Baby Wearing: This is one of my favorite things to do, I couldn't imagine using a stroller especially one where LO faces away from me. Baby wearing helps keep their temperature regulated by being close to you, helps your milk production, helps both your stress levels. Lets you constantly cuddle and when LO is crazy fussy, wear her around the house so you can get stuff done. You have arms while taking care of your baby. And it lets your LO look around, but when they get overwhelmed, they can nuzzle into you (which can't happen in a stroller). I highly suggest the moby and ergo. Maybe a ring sling for easy use and short trips. Do your research.

-Co-Sleeping/Bed Sharing: We bed shared most of the first few weeks of her life because she wouldn't sleep any other way. And that makes sense, babies need to be near their parents to feel safe because they are so vulnerable. But, I personally am completely uncomfortable with bed sharing (I have no problems if you want to). DH is a deep sleeper and moves around a lot, I'm terrified I would as well. So we co-sleep with her in the room with us. I'm not yet sure when we will decide to move her into her own room.

- Delayed Vaccines: Some will not vaccinate their kids at all. I personally think that is really dangerous, but am delaying. We hit her 4 month shots caught up and then will catch up again at 6 months, etc. By the time she enters school she will have all the same vaccines as anyone else. But getting the shots is traumatizing for the baby and in my opinion, there is no need to so quickly overload their bodies. For example, putting off Hepatitis B for a few weeks probably won't hurt anyone. The main reason I decided to delay is because a lot of babies have reactions to certain vaccines, but if you get them all at once you have no idea what the allergy is to. This way I know exactly how she reacts to everything.

-Baby Food Making/Baby Led Weaning: Baby food making means you make all your own food, generally using organics. This was my intention, but after researching we will do baby led weaning. This means she decides when she is ready for solids - could be five months, could be nine. And I don't make special foods for her, she eats whatever DH and I are eating (still one food at a time, every three days to allow for allergic reactions).

-Right now, I also follow LO's schedule completely. When she says she is hungry, she eats. When she tells me she is tired, I try my darnest to make it easy for her to fall asleep. When she wants to play, we play. I follow her schedule. In keeping track with it, I know she does actually have a sort of schedule and by four months, we will be sticking to that. Babies do like routine.

-Placenta Encapsulation (see older posts)

-Organic toys: Right now its easy because LO is young and doesn't need as much interaction from toys to be entertained. But I do attempt to get her all natural toys - definitely organic teething elements. We have teethers and a nursing necklace that are fully organic since they do go in her mouth. With that said, we have two Fisher Price toys that she loves (ish) and one of them I have no idea what I would do without. But I also enjoy toys that either making calming noise or no noise because I easily get sensory overloaded with noise myself.

That is all I can think of for right now, I will post more if I can remember more. And I am in no way telling you to be a crunchy parent, I just couldn't do it any other way. This is what seems natural to me. But I will say, do your research. Know why choices are made and make them for yourself and your child. I think its important to know why you are doing things a certain way - and not just because its what someone else says is best.

Until then, cheers to napping baby!

For the Strong-Willed.

A friend of mine asked me for advice about being a Mom. Real advice. The kind of advice that people call honest. Luckily, that is all I have when it comes to parenting. I really don't think I could sugarcoat it and make it seem like its all glamorous. Because right now, we very rarely have glamor. Some days I settle for survival.

Before I give my advice, let me say that I completely understand everything below is personal to me. Not every mother-child, mother-self, parent-parent relationship will be the same. In fact, it would be an impossibility. So this advice that follows is not necessarily ever going to be relevant to you. Especially if you are going to be a out-of-the-home working mama.

- Get your sleep in now. Seriously. I haven't gotten a straight night of sleep in since pre-pregnancy when I didn't have to get up to pee all the time. And I haven't gotten more than about 4 hours of sleep in a row since two days before my daughter was born.

- Know what and when growth spurts and wonder weeks are. Growth spurts are physical growth spurts, your kid is bulking up, getting longer and stronger. Wonder weeks are intellectual spurts where new mental capacity is being learned. With both your baby is f-u-s-s-y crankypants. Knowing it is going to end and how to help makes it bearable.

- You may hate breastfeeding. I was told it would feel like a kiss to my nipple. Egggggghhhh, wrong answer. For me it feels more like rug burn. And when the milk comes in, supposedly some people feel calm, almost like they are high. I feel like a thousand needles are coming in with force and about to explode out my breast. So I hate the physical side of breastfeeding. BUT, I love the emotional bond, the fact that its free and that it is the best option for us. (And that its an excuse to get her back from people, only I can feed her!)

- If you can do it, pump and store milk so your partner can share night feedings. I physically have no problem doing so, I have a supply in the freezer. But I can't stand the thought of my daughter having a bottle or someone else feeding her. And I can't sleep through her noises, so I'd be up anyways. But having the ability to get 4 hours of straight sleep instead of being up every 2 can make a big difference.

- I did not bond immediately with LO. There was no rush of emotion as they put her on my belly. It took me a few weeks to feel that overwhelming love everyone feels. There is nothing wrong with that.

- While I suffered only from minor postpartum depression/anxiety, know that it can happen and be prepared. I had my therapist, my doctors and DH ready and asked them to tell me if they thought I needed medication. I trust their opinions and my doctor did tell me once he thought I may need it. I refused saying it was too early to jump on the bandwagon and DH agreed so I stayed medication free.

- I highly recommend placenta encapsulation. Yes, in practice it is gross. But you don't know you are ingesting it and the benefits are amazing. It definitely helped with postpartum emotions and increases my milk supply.

- You will get exhausted. Just be ready for it. I have gotten so tired that I will sit down and cry. I ran a red light because I didn't even know there was a light there (luckily it had just switched and was not busy). When I get tired, I also get extremely angry. Have your coping mechanisms ready.

- Cloth diaper. It sounds gross, the first few times you go to wash them it is gross. But its better for your  baby's skin, the environment and saves money. $200 for all the diapers we need for multiple babies. My water and electric bill have not gone up and I wash 2x a week.

- Right at this second, someone is telling me how much harder it is to be a working mom. Because they work 40+ hours a week outside the home and then do all the same things a sahm does. Neither one is easy and for different reasons. But being a sahm Mom is not easy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you accomplish nothing for the day but having a fed and happy baby, that is allowed to be enough. A working Mom doesn't do a lot of the same things a sahm does.

- You are going to have to ask for help. Well maybe. I only ask for help from DH. Other people offer help, but I have a really hard time accepting it. My daughter is my responsibility, so I should be the one not sleeping, not going out, not doing whatever. But you have to do those things to keep your sanity. So accept the help.

- Keep open communication with your partner. If you are exhausted, angry, depressed, happy, thrilled about something. If he isn't hearing you or you have a suggestion on how to make things easier. It may not fix anything, but at least I can say I am so tired and DH will say, I'll take her this weekend so you can sleep in. Or he at least knows I am in a sour mood and to be weary!

- My body is wider. I have stretch marks. I'm still in pain moving around (3 months after giving birth). My body feels different. I have some extra weight. None of it really bothers me that much. Mostly the extra weight, I can't wait to exercise again and tone my body up. And I wish I had a new wardrobe because even though my clothes fit, they fit differently.

- This is hard. Being a Mom is really freaking hard. Is she growing, is she sick, is she teething? What if I can't make her better? Oh my gosh, she is crying real tears! She still eats every two hours around the clock, when will it stop? There are so many small things that make it physically and emotionally draining. All the worry, all the unknowns.

- Advise your partner and be advised by them. I am highly familiar with babies. DH was not. So if I tell him how to change a diaper, activities LO may like to do or why she is crying he listens and acts accordingly. One day maybe he will remember each of these things:)

- It is true. It is worth it. After a really hard day and you go to bed wondering what you have gotten yourself into. That you can't take the lack of sleep and the crying and how unhappy your baby seems, you wake up and she is smiling, blowing bubbles, jabbering and eventually laughing. That makes the upcoming bad day you know is coming worth it. And when you forget, you hopefully get another morning like that to remind you.

I'm sure there are more things. And my view on things will also be skewed because I am a crunchy mom (see next post). Perhaps I will occasionally update with advice I find relevant because I know it will always change.

Oh, last one. Find your thing that is comforting and relaxing. It has to be something you can do while taking care of your baby because you don't always get a break. For me, its a really good cup of coffee. If LO is having a bad day and screaming and feels horrible and I am on my last straw, a cup of coffee can make be remember to breathe again. Especially when DH makes it while taking care of LO or brings me home my favorite (or close to favorite depending on where his drive is) pre-made coffee so I can just sit back and relax. And I make sure to get a shower in every night before bed while DH watches her. That is my one 15 minute break a day I get. It would be longer if our hot water lasted longer than 10 minutes:) !

PS: Do enjoy it, all of it! I love watching DH with her because they are amazing together. (And remind each other you really are good parents). And I always want to smack people when they say, oh it goes by so quickly, enjoy it when they are little. $&*$%&@ $(%(*@#!!% would be my immediate reaction. But its totally true. She is three months and I think, wow that did go by quickly. She already wants to cuddle less, she wants to play at the same time she eats. And she is huge.

I try to document every month birthday (haha lame lame) with a fun photo. I up my standard every month to create something even more fun. This will continue as long as she allows me to do it and then become a yearly thing I think. But I put in her favorite things (generally what she has learned in the last month), her weight and what I think she may be when she grows up based on her current favorite skill. Then when I look back I will know exactly when she hit certain milestones or what kind of baby she was when.

And just remember, no matter what you choose to do you are a fantastic Mom/Dad. It doesn't matter if you are exhausted and crying. If you are angry and swear in front of your LO (she won't know the word yet anyways), if you feel overwhelmed. If you are depressed or anxious or lonely or anywhere in between. If overall, you have a happy, growing baby who is healthy (or you are trying to get healthy, god forbid), you are a good Mom and a good Dad.

Into February.

We have graduated into February and are soon to be three months old. It never used to seem like it would, but time has progressed quickly. Instead of a crying, crazy baby with no sleep we have a sometimes crying, crazy, smiling baby with no sleep. That few hours she is awake and happy during the day make a huge difference in how it feels. I'm still utterly exhausted and in need of a nap. The past two days I've had two coffees. We are already starting to teeth so last night was a lot of painful cries and very few zzz's.

But last week, we had very special visitors! DH was gone for most of the time on a business trip. It was my first time being in the house alone and with an infant. Luckily, I was mostly too tired to get anxious about it. I did, however, sit in the dark the first day alone so that LO would sleep instead of scream. That caused some minor depression on my part. But once we got into the routine, it was okay. She did really well sleeping at night for me and we got through it. I definitely missed the breaks in the evening I am used to getting when DH comes home. And getting to shower without worrying about if she is crying or needs something. But then, her godparents came to meet her (finally it worked out!).

M came down earlier and did some baby snuggling, which gave my arms their first real baby free time in a few days. H joined on Saturday and stayed for another day. DH came home Friday night. And this is why these two people are two of the most amazing people I know, in every way possible. After paying (in bus ticket and gas) to get down here they proceeded: to do two photo shoots (lo is seriously adorable), watch LO so DH and I could go on a date, give us money for the date, make me a birthday torte, give me a birthday card, cut my hair and made us breakfast. I'm pretty sure it should have worked the other way around since they were our guests. We had a fantastic weekend, got some stress out, got out of the house and had an fantastically delicious omelette (plus of course the torte, I do love chocolate right now).

And this is now our February. It is Valentine's Day and LO is wearing a heart, about to fall asleep for a nap. I will enjoy my first cup of coffee and start working on my writing assignments until she wakes up. Then hopefully I can finish them today so tomorrow I can do things I enjoy. Besides, of course, taking care of my daughter.

She now grabs onto everything, plays with toys and interacts with the cat (her best best friend ever). There has never been a time in my life I have been so proud to see such changes overnight. Huge, momentous things are happening here and it has only just begun.

Two Coffees and a Wine.

Today is that kind of day. I just had a coffee. A really good, bought from my favorite cafe kind of coffee. In an hour or two, I'll be having a made-from-home coffee just to take tylenol because for some unknown reason I am hitting that kind of exhaustion. We are starting to get longer stretches of sleep and for some reason its screwing my system up and making all the past months of no-sleep catch up with me (I think). Then after that second coffee there will be a half cup of wine.

Why wine? Not because it tastes good (thank goodness this particular kind does, DH bought it for me), but actually because it helps with breastfeeding. I have Raynaud's Syndrome. This pretty much means that the blood flow to my extremities isn't working correctly. So my hands, feet, ears, nose and chin get really cold and turn purple and hurt. Or my hands and feet get too much blood, it can get back out and they swell, turn splotchy and sweat, sweat, sweat. Apparently it affects nipples as well, especially when breastfeeding. It hurts, to the point it always feels like you have a bad latch even when the two of you are working perfectly together. My nipples feel like they are being stabbed repeatedly if they get cold and I get random shooting pains. They turn white after I am done feeding. Mostly, doctors tell you to keep those nips warm, cover up as soon as you are done feeding and carry on. There is a drug they can give you, but it has a known side effect of migraines and low blood pressure. Already having both of these, I don't need meds to help out more. So I sit with a heating pad on my breasts before and after she eats. Take a warm shower every night. If I get cold outside, you'll see me walking with my hands on my breasts trying to warm them up. And I drink a half glass of red wine every night.

There is no medical evidence that it helps - the wine at least. But for me it does make a difference. I had my first bottle of wine and notice that breastfeeding was actually enjoyable. I wasn't having pain, it actually felt nice to let my daughter eat as long as she wanted to. I didn't put two and two together until I stopped drinking the wine. All the pain came back. I couldn't wait for her to finish dinner, I hated when my nursing pads rubbed the wrong way on my breast or if my cat climbed up to lay on me. Now I am on my second bottle of wine and once again it is getting better. So for the next year - or as long as my body lets me make milk - there will be nightly wine. Maybe I am turning into my parents!

On Being Overwhelmed.

Being a parent is hard - emotionally and physically. Being a sahm who is ebf (stay at home mom...exclusively breastfeeding) is even harder. This post is not meant in any way to degrade anyone is isn't breastfeeding or staying at home, I completely get it is hard anyway you parent. I just think it is harder the way I am choosing, and able, to parent.

Working out of the house would be difficult because you spend the majority of time away from your child. You are exhausted and need to function enough to drive a car and meet someone else's work demands. Staying at home is hard because I don't get a break. I am parenting 24/7. My break during the work week is 20 minutes to shower while DH watches LO. Other than that I am at my daughter's beck and call. She needs her diaper changed, I am doing it. She wants human touch, I am holding her. She needs to eat, I am feeding her. There is no "I" anymore, it is exclusively a "we" and right now her needs come before my own. It is extremely overwhelming to never get a break, especially right now when she is going through an extremely fussy stage. I am hoping it isn't going to be her new trend. I am still my own person, but I don't get to be that person until she is further developed and can self-soothe, self-learn and self-entertain. If I need to go run a five minute errand, it is going to take me over an hour because I need to change her, feed her, put her in the car seat, get her out of the car seat, do the errand, put her back in the car seat and get home. Besides of course getting myself ready as well. That alone makes it not worth it to just run out and get out of the house. I also still lack friends, so all my time is spent with the baby and my adult conversation happens when DH gets home if he is mentally present. Sometimes he is too stressed and isn't. By the end of the work week, I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted. DH sleeps while I am up trying to get our daughter to sleep, changing her diaper and feeding her every 2ish hours. I haven't had unbroken sleep since she was born. And when you already have anxiety, being sleep deprived is not the best add on. Not being able to exercise, also not the best for me. There are trying days where I struggle to be sane, stay away and meet lo's needs. One day it will get better, but who knows when. In a month, tomorrow, in a year? Who knows when she will learn to sleep through the night or be a more efficient eater so she gets fuller and eats less often. Who knows when I will learn to balance her needs and mine. And, as my therapist said, all ebf mom's feel like single parents because there is very little the father can do. At what point does that feeling end? Because feeling like you are doing everything alone is even tougher (and I am not putting DH at fault here, if he had boobs full of milk, I am sure he would give me a break - though probably not at nights still). And the fact that LO just wants to eat from me and not sleep for me - not helpful either!

I am sure DH is also overwhelmed. He wants to see his friends, but knows he has to help me. He has not been around babies and doesn't know how they developed or exactly what to do all the time. He walks her around, changes a diaper and lays on the couch with her. I don't think he can quite fathom yet that you have to learn how to empty the dishwasher or do laundry while holding a baby. So is he tired and overwhelmed as well? Absolutely. But it was made abundantly clear today that he has no idea what it is like for me. And that only adds to my own overwhelmed-ness/isolation. So now I need to garnish a plan on how to make this easier for me. We need to compromise on what we both actually need and give up what we want. Because we will never anymore get what we want every day, every week, every month or every year. A few things, sure. But not everything and not even close to everything. We gave that up the day we decided to have a kid and now we need to actually live that choice.

Until we figure this out though, here is to surviving the insanity.

Understanding Coffee.

I drank coffee only a few times a week, not that I didn't want it (I find the taste comforting so I had decaf on days I really wanted it), but because I wanted to make sure the caffeine would work toward migraines. Because I get migraines frequently. So I never understood why people needed to drink coffee on a daily basis. But now I get it. Now that I am sleep deprived on a regular basis - and its looking to stay that way for the unforeseeable future - I have coffee every day. Usually I try to make it to the evening before I have it so I have the energy to make it until bedtime. But sometimes in the morning, I can barely move from the bed to the couch and those days I have two small cups of coffee. I'm slightly worried about dealing with the migraines when they come back however, because I know at some point they will. Until then, coffee every day.

Besides exhaustion, having a new baby means aching nipples (for me). Constantly clogged milk ducts, engorged breasts. There will be another post of this to come. And no - it isn't due to a bad latch or feeding, it has to do with a medical condition.

LO is working on doubling her birth weight by the time she reaches two months. She is currently weighing in at almost 13lbs and she is 7 weeks old. We are about to transition from 3 month clothes to 6 months. She can hold her head up pretty regularly, however she still has a little floppy head. She eats about every 2 hours around the clock still. Better than when it was every one hour by far, but we are still hoping to get her to sleep longer at night. This week we are going to start a bedtime routine for her and hope that helps her recognize when it is time for long stretches of sleep.

Her routine is going to be getting a bath (she just learned to like this last week), new diaper, new outfit, getting warmed up and cuddled. Reading a book (we just went and picked out six for her today: one on space, pokey little puppy, a zombie kid's book, the beast and his friend, you know fun titles. After the book is done, we will change her diaper if necessary, feed her, rock her to sleep and put her to bed at about 9pm. Eventually she will then sleep from 9pm until around 7am every day. She will probably wake up once to feed during that time. Everyone can then get better sleep, DH and I will get an hour or so to ourselves and will get to bed by 11pm instead of 2am when she is finally ready to sleep.

And we are now exclusively cloth diapering. I'll write more on that later as well, it deserves its own post. It may be a little hippy-ish, but I love it.