A Little - or a Lot - Scared.

Usually I go to bed, wake up at 4:27am (literally on the dot every day) to pee, fall back asleep and wake up again at 6:27am to go. Then I am okay until I wake up for good. Last night I had to pee every fifteen minutes. There is a little pain at the end and there is always a LOT of pee. Even if I haven't had anything to drink at some point. I also have a lot of pressure and fullness in my lower abdomen - about where that pesky bladder is. As someone who suffered from UTIs for almost a year without a break, I couldn't get to the doctor fast enough.

The friendly nurse hands me the cup to pee in and of course, like me, my bladder has performance anxiety. Sigh. I had to down a bottle of powerade, almost vomited on my doctor (his face was pretty awesome) and finally, finally got a few drops out. And guess what, no UTI. Not even one sign of a UTI. My pee was a little golden, but otherwise lovely. So now I have these gross symptoms with no cause, which means no fix. How can you not worry that it is something wrong with Magoo? I can't. I have no idea what my body is doing. Literally, this is the hard part of pregnancy. I have no idea what is happening to me or my baby. I wish I had a glass torso and glass uterus so I could always know exactly what Magoo is doing. Or how my body is trying to fuck itself up this time.

My doctor told me to come back in tomorrow if the symptoms persist or get worse. I am kind of wondering if it is just my uterus causing stretching or my bladder irritated by the coffee I drank yesterday. Either way I hope as surprisingly as it came, it goes away. It is painful, irritating and frustrating. BUT in the best news of best news, my first ultrasound is Tuesday. I just, in this moment, realized that is a mere five days away! In five days my baby should have a first picture, a heartbeat I can hear and little arm nubs poking out of its dinosaur looking body. Gosh I can't wait.

Rarrr means love in dinosaur, baby. Rarrrr.

Why, Hello Embryo.

So the DH (dear husband) knocked me up. I knew when I was six whole days along because vertigo started. Terrible, nauseated vertigo - especially with DH at the wheel (not entirely surprising). Doctors told me it was just something off with the ear though, a little extra fluid perhaps even though I double dosed antihistamines every day. Then DH went to Austin for work and I started an internship at a Veterinary Hospital. And fainted. Way to make an impression. So I went home and took a pregnancy test because I never had vertigo and I don't faint without good cause.

I figured it would be negative because I have anxiety and anxiety can make you lightheaded - especially doing something new, like an internship. Even more especially when that internship starts off with a cat asleep on a table for a procedure. Poor kitty. So I took the cheap test. The kind that has the plus and minus signs. The semi-unreliable kind. And it said plus. A faint, but big fast plus sign. My heart raced and I HAD to tell someone so I called DH while he sat in the airport on his way home. "Dude, I fainted at work today. And now this stick is telling me I am preggers. PREGGERS." The line was slightly faint, so I didn't trust it completely to be honest. But it was also the line that would have showed up for a negative test so it kind of didn't matter. So I did what anyone in this situation would do - drank a cup of coffee (perhaps not my smartest move?) and was going to wait to take a digital test. The kind that don't get it wrong. I had to hold the pee in for four whole hours to make sure the hormone was built up enough.

Did I wait? No way. How are you supposed to wait? I drank my coffee and went and peed on another stick less than an hour after. "Pregnant." It really didn't even take too long to think about it. When I took one at six days and it said "not pregnant" it kind of took its sweet time to confirm that. Maybe because it was WRONG.

So here we are, pregnant. Was it planned? Not exactly. This kid is coming a few months earlier than we anticipated, but hey as my therapist says, maybe this is how the universe is going to fix my anxiety. We are almost seven weeks - on Friday we will be. And my first ultrasound is coming up. As an anxious person - and first time pregs chick - I worry about things like miscarriages. When you hear the heartbeat, supposedly that risk drops from 15-25% all the way to a mere 2%. That means I can relax a little bit. But I probably won't really relax until week 20 when Magoo (embryo's current name) decides the womb is roomy enough to stay and play. Or really at birth when I get to worry about giving this kid the best chance for a life instead of miscarrying.

And only a few people know about Magoo right now. We aren't sharing with the world yet because the world doesn't need to know right now. So if you found this blog, you're in on my secret. If you know me, keep it to yourself please. If you don't, it doesn't really matter. DH and I are just not ready to explain it to twenty thousand people and then if the worse happens and I do miscarry, explain that loss to twenty thousand people either.

So here we are: anxious, scared, excited, happy and pregnant.