Growing.

I know it has been a long time since I posted (sorry!). The pregnancy is still a pregnancy: hormonal, trying to eat, trying to drink, trying not to throw up. You know, the usual. On a random note, my boobs are huge. I switched to sports bras quite awhile ago because mine quickly stopped fitting and I am not going to spend money for new ones when every week they seem to go up a cup. It is ridiculous. This better be one hungry baby.

I did call my doctor's office to tell them drinking 60+oz of fluid a day was just not going to happen. It has nothing to do with nausea or vomiting and everything to do with the fact I just cannot fit that kind of liquid into my body. Every time I have hit 60oz, I ended up throwing at least 20oz back up (along with all the food I ate that day of course). They told me maybe I just don't need as much fluid to stay hydrated, but don't want to put me on a weekly IV yet because that ups my risk of catching something. So I keep trying.

In big news, DH and I, tomorrow, will be official homeowners. Like for real we will almost own a house - after we pay off the mortgage. That's really why we got preggers, to sell the first kid off in return for the house (joking, joking). We are (DH is) trying to pack and work full time and go to school. I feel really accomplished if I pack two boxes a day. Today, I went to the store to schedule our washer/dryer delivery (thank you in-laws!), and packed up my entire closet and nightstand. I literally have to take a solid 15+ minute rest in between each box because it is exhausting. So trying to pack is really stressful. I can't lift heavy things and we have about 10 people coming over Saturday to help with the move. This means it should go quickly and I will probably be shoving the last bits of crap into boxes while they move out what is packed. Then I can just take a nap on the floor at the house while they bring stuff in.

Tomorrow, DH gets the keys and comes to pick me up. From that point we have to go clean the house. We thought in good etiquette, the previous owners would clean. But, uh, yeah. The microwave is so astoundingly disgusting we may go buy a new one. I am pretty sure they put some sort of animal in there and it exploded and then dripped down allllll over the stovetop. It smells that way and its kind of an old brownish-orange color. DH will be taking on that one or I'll just keep voming on top of it. The floors need to be cleaned, the bathroom needs to be cleaned. We'll need to finish packing. DH probably won't sleep so he can finish that up because it will be impossible for me to pull at all-nighter. Magoo isn't ready for that yet.

Really, I just kind of wonder. We're married, we have a kid on the way, a dog, a cat, possibly another dog (a small one that is cheap to feed, but gives Captain a friend to play with in the backyard so that he won't feel left out with the kid when he gets less attention). We have a half a fence at a house we sort of own, our own washer and dryer. I'm almost 30. We are broke. And I still feel like I am 13. I just wonder if you always feel like a kid even though you are taking on so so so much it could break you if you think about it. I know DH is close to being there and I have obviously already been there before, but I can't risk it right now with Magoo needing a calm home. Some days it is hard to not go there.

I am hoping when we hit the 2nd trimester (2 weeks-ish to go) that I start to have energy again. That I can breath while I walk again. That I can craft and get things ready for this kid. And craft to sell. And write to make money. And pull myself together. And help DH pull himself together. Growing has its perks, but it's definitely hard. Definitely.

Vomiting Tips:

Don't brush tongue when nauseated.

Never ever eat rice. Worst thing ever.
Corn chips are almost as bad.
Don't eat what you crave when you know it can't end well (ie fake nacho cheese).

A Follow-Up of Stress.

Today I followed up with a doctor after getting fluids pumped into me on Friday. She said based on being pregnant, anxious and not eating or drinking enough my symptoms are exactly what she would expect. I am to first try to stay calm: prenatal yoga, benedryl for stressful days, etc. Then to drink 60 ounces of fluid a day; the type of fluid does not matter at this point, just get it in me. Then to eat whatever I crave be it healthy or not. She said first I need to get nutrients in me, then we can worry about what they are. And the baby will take what it needs without worrying about me, which is why I am low energy, dizzy and unable to walk more than twenty feet. So we went out today and bought a snow cone machine for $17, a bag of ice and two flavors. I have been drinking 30oz of gatorade a day, 10oz of juice and just need to add in 20 more. A snow cone will be at least another 8, along with either ice cream or a strawberry fruit popsicle if I just add in one glass of water or lemonade I can hit that 60oz mark.

The loan on the house was approved today and we know the current owners have fixed the roof. We may be moving in as soon as 9 days - yikes! DH packed a total of two boxes today and I did none. I am avoiding it. The house is about 400 square feet larger than what we live in now - but it all went to a third bedroom and laundry area. The actual living space is pretty tiny. I'm finding myself incredibly stressed at where everything will fit and how we will get rid of things that we actually use. We'll have an extra bedroom, but it will be a nursery so it isn't like there is extra space there we can have. With only a small living room and a kitchen - not even a eat in kitchen - it kind of leaves communal space to be desired. I'm hoping we may be able to cheaply finish off the porch - it already has a roof over it - to make it a small eating area and sunroom. But that won't happen for quite sometime. It is beginning to feel claustrophobic.

On another somber note, we realized before Magoo gets here we will need to figure out how to afford a new-to-us car. My 15 year old Chevy isn't really cutting it anymore, the engine doesn't really rev up all the time and the engine trouble light has been on for almost 2 years. Mechanics can guess at three or four things that MAY be wrong with it, but fixing those will cost more than the car is worth. Plus trying to drag a kid in and out from a two door car isn't ideal either. Along with that, DH drives a car that a baby can't even be in. A sick fil, a new house, higher bills, new baby, new car? And me not working and DH without a guaranteed job. When did any of this sound like a smart idea again (okay so babies and ill fil's were obviously not ideas to consider one way or another. Those two are there to find strength, grow and survive, but all the rest)?

We Have a Prune.

Recap: I spent Friday in the ER due to dehydration. When I got there, they drew a bunch of blood and then told me I had a 2-3 hour wait to get back to the beds. I asked for something to drink because I knew I was going to faint (I literally told the guy, I am going to faint, I need something), so he hooked me up to IV bag number one, plopped me in a wheelchair and sent me to the waiting room for my wait. Fast-forward a total of 7 minutes and I was fainting. This made me anxious because I know when I am going to faint and I know I need to lay down, get my head lower than my heart and drink water. Being in a wheelchair and hooked to an IV, none of this could happen. So I told DH, I am fainting go get help. He waited while someone was checking in, looked over and I mouthed to him "please hurry!" At that point my sight was going away and I was sweating and sliding out of the chair. Same nurse dude came back and told me I was hyperventilating (of course I was because you wouldn't listen to me!) and would be okay. My hands and feel went into that numb tingling phase and then suddenly my entire stomach/hip area did, too. Super weird (hopefully no harm to Magoo). I told him if felt like I was being sucked into a black hole (geek alert!) They took my blood pressure, which was 82/41 and because I was pregnant, suddenly a room opened up! (Well it did, but then some guy who disappeared ended up in it so then I had to wait in a storage room until another was cleaned). Another IV bag later, a little bit of food (admittingly DH ate most of it) and juice later and I was cleared to go. The staff was extremely nice, apparently they were all talking about the little pregnant one. I felt weak leaving, a little dizzy still, but otherwise a lot better.

Fast forward to Saturday: We had to go to my in-laws because my DH needed to drive his Dad to the airport to pick up his (DH's) half-sister. This made me extremely angry because I never get to see DH and it meant I had to spent a few hours alone at my in-laws house a day after being in the hospital and feeling super shitty. Then the entire family came over, the TV was turned up loud enough that I am pretty sure the neighbors could hear it. All I wanted was to escape as quickly as possible. We finally got home and DH played Zelda (nerd alert!) until it was time to go to bed. During that time I tried to be good and had 2 glasses of fluids (one glass of water, one glass of lemonade) over 2 hours. I literally almost peed my pants multiple times, got nauseated and started having some bubbly in my throat (not the good kind, people) and massive, massive cramping around my bladder. Kind of like bad intestinal/period pains. Luckily I knew it was from drinking WATER. Not only that, but something is crazy up with Oregon water. It tastes like liquid frosting, no joke. Only to pregnant people (only to pregnant me actually), but who wants to drink that? Yuck yuck yuck.

Today I slept until 12:30pm (of course put in there trouble falling asleep and waking up to pee every two hours). I am still uber exhausted and trying my hardest to down fluids. I've had a little gingerale, a little of a coffee slushie and some gatorade. I pee a lot, but I am still not sure I drink enough. I asked a bunch of girls what they do to stay hydrated in my situation. They all said to get the smaller size gatorades and make yourself drink at least one a day. Eat ice pops, lots of water filled fruits (watermelon for example) and my favorite - get a sno cone machine. Hell yeah, I will eat sno cones all freaking day long! Mmmmm blue raspberry sno cone, yummm. So whenever we go get groceries, we are totally checking to see how much one costs. Because I'm down with that.

Oh yeah, my prune is Magoo. I don't eat prunes; I don't hear good things about them. Except this baby prune. Magoo is a whopping 1.5 inches today. Next week, we graduate to a lime.

PS: My MIL asked if I got my gender ultrasound yet and then (semi-jokingly. No for real a joke, but not really) told me if it wasn't a girl I was kicked out of the family. Later she shoved two stuffed chicks up her shirt and pretended to be pregnant with twins. I told her one better be a girl or she was in trouble:)

Hyperemesis

A condition of severe morning sickness brought on by the inability to eat, drink and keep those things from ending up in the dog bowl. That's right. Yesterday I felt terrible all day (see post below). DH finally got home around 9pm and had to go to the bathroom. At that point, I had to throw up. The bathroom was taken, so it was either the floor or the first dish I could grab. Captain's food bowl. With his food still in there. I knew it was everything I had had all day because, well TMI, but when noodles come back up you know it. I called my doctor to see if they could do the IV electrolytes for me. I can barely walk, feel like I am going to fall over even when sitting and feel like I have twenty pound weights attached to my arms. And a constant headache that started yesterday with the dehydration. But my OB nurse says I need to go to the ER because they have better anti-nausea drugs (honestly I am more concerned about the co-pay. $15 if I went to their office, $100 for the ER, HUGE difference when you are broke). But I do have to say I am really looking forward to getting fluids in my body without having to drink them, I imagine I will feel so good afterward. Then with a good anti-nausea medication hopefully I can keep fluids down, eat well enough and never have to go back to the ER during this pregnancy. Fingers crossed (and yes, Magoo that means you. I know you have fingers now).

Ugh, Morning Sickness.

Today has been terrible. I am trying to drink fluids and feel so sick afterward. I have a third a can of soup before I thought I was going to throw up and left it out for an hour. Now its reheated and the attempt to finish it is going on. I know if I had started to eat earlier, I probably would feel better. I can barely walk across my apartment and need to go out to pick up a prescription. In fact, I had to lay on the floor while walking from my bathroom to the couch because I didn't think I would make it. Today is a day I wish I had a really awesome friend who would come over and make me food to eat. I am hungry and not totally averse to food, BUT by the time I make something and get ready to eat it, I am literally dry heaving at the thought. That went on for hours this morning until I finally ate half a pudding cup because I needed food right that second and then heated up the soup when I could stand.

Friday I will be at 9 weeks going into my 10th. That means a measly four weeks from Friday to get through til I suppppposedly feel better - but I know many people feel gross the entire time and that is generally my luck. My fingers are crossed, but my breath is not held. And let's face it, four weeks is an entire freaking month. That feels like foreva right now, foreva.

My thighs are freaking jumbo jets and my hips are wings. I am barely fitting in my fat pants right now. I sweat uncomfortably at night, have dry skin and just as much facial acne as ever. I nap throughout the day and have zero motivation to do anything. Maybe at least, at least Magoo, you could make it easy for me to eat food. You know, just that small favor would be greatly appreciated. Trust me, I won't forget you are there.

An Emotional Easter.

My Easter started out well - I slept in to ensure that my energy wouldn't sink too low during the family dinner. But then DH tried to please everyone by helping his two best friends move in the morning and got home late. I can't stand or cook or do things for long periods of time so he was supposed to be home to help me make a potato salad requested by my MIL for the dinner and there was no time when he got home. Because my MIL and I bond over creating (cooking, sewing, jewelry, knitting, etc) it was really important to me to have that dish and I felt like DH chose helping friends over helping me. Bring in the wacko hormones and that leads to a lot of crying. An all day crying fest needless to say, it started and it wouldn't stop.

I opted to stay home (I've never been a big holiday celebrator to start with) and send DH on his un-merry little way. The thought of the noise from all the people: nephews running around, stressed MIL yelling to get people to help her, a SIL who feels like she can be heard only by talking in shrill loud voices. Overwhelming. Add in food aversions (as in anything that is edible makes me want to vomit at the thought of it) and sitting in front of a huge table PACKED with different foods. Ugh. I literally feel the vomit crawling up my throat right now.

So I stayed home and watched tv and kept throwing my poor-kitty-who-just-wants-love-but-cant-have-it-because-he-has-softballs-of-poo-hanging-off-his-ass from the couch. And I was excruciatingly depressed. Anxiety has taken its toll on me. I spent months sitting on the couch barely able to drive to the grocery store because I was afraid of having an anxiety attack. I went to the hospital because I had an extreme panic attack that wouldn't stop. A month after that and I was able to volunteer at a cat shelter weekly and help adopt cats. I started interning at an animal hospital because I was working toward become a vet tech. I even got a job interview to work as a Vet Assistant, which would have been my dream. I was going out to happy hours with girls I had never met to make friends. My life was coming together. Fast forward to being pregnant.

I can't be at the cat shelter because they use open litter boxes everywhere for their cats. I can't intern at the hospital because of cleaning chemicals, unknowns of what animals may do and radiation from x-rays. I couldn't take the job for the same reasons. The women I were meeting were lovely, but not interested in having kids yet or ready for that stage of their life. So that puts me back at square one. On the couch and isolated. I'm too sick to want to go out and don't see a point in finishing my vet assistant certification since I can't do that job pregnant and I'd never make enough money to combat daycare costs. Which means I am looking at a life as a stay at home mom. And that would be fine if I had a life outside of the couch. If I had friends besides my husband. Where I am right now is not okay with me and where I feel like I am going to end up is also not okay with me. But it is really hard to find ways to make changes when you have anxiety, an impending kid and no money.

I asked my doctor if I can go back on anti-anxiety/depression medications until I can figure out how to be an anxious mother instead of just an anxious woman. But realistically, I am not sure it will help. I'd like to start pulling myself together soon and depression medications take 6 weeks to even start helping and by then hopefully I won't be so sad. Isolation is not easy.

What also isn't easy? Being pregnant with the invention of the internet. It is fantastic that I can talk to Mom's across the world due the same month as me, yes. In fact that is currently my only social outlet, I don't know what I would do without that. But doctors have gotten too much knowledge and all of that gets put onto the internet. And I'm pregnant for the first time with no friends who have ever been pregnant. So things are happening and you have no idea if its good pain or bad pain or good or bad anything and doctors tell you not to worry but don't inform you. So you hear about people having terrible experiences and get the worst case information. Doctors test you for a thousand different genetic possibilities of how your kid can suffer or die within the first few years of its life. There is no way a pregnancy can be enjoyable in this age; there is a problem with too much knowledge in the wrong hands. And no hands - the internet - is the wrong hands.

For now I am sleeping a lot, trying not to let my hormones make me struggle more than I should and trying to figure out a new life. Because the one I was planning can't co-exist with a child.

And We Won!

A sweet Moby Wrap (very exciting, I've always wanted to carry my baby this way) and an interview:

http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/what-to-expect-movie-news/meet-the-new-star-of-the-month

Say Hi!

That was a Weekend.

Thursday I had a doctor appointment because of UTI symptoms plus blood in my bowel movement. Interior hemorrhoid (no big deal) and my urine test was clean. I went home and progressively throughout the day starting getting intense cramping. DH and I went to his parents to say goodbye to visiting relatives and it was all I could do to not cry. I tried gas x and tums and nothing really helped. Galvin (to-be-Uncle) came to stay with me Friday and my doctor's office said go to the ER, it may be ectopic.

The ER was a full house, over 30 people in the waiting room including someone hacking their lungs out (and not always wearing a mask, nasty dude, nasty) and a girl who chopped her finger off. DU (dear Uncle) and DH went with me to the ultrasound they gave me and we saw the baby with a heart rate of 119. In the middle of the uterus. Viable. They then took us down to a room where a pediatrician told us Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage. I had never heard of it and had no idea what to ask. They just said take it easy, lay down, don't lift. Bedrest, pelvic rest blah blah blah. And the "I don't believe in statistics," speech. Normally I don't believe in statistics either, if you tell me statistics say I am going to die or not get some weird disease, I will say f you. Someone is always on the small side of the statistic or it wouldn't be a freaking statistic. But when a doctor says he doesn't believe in them, I call your bullshit sir. That just means they don't want to bring you down.

Saturday, DH and I went to a follow up doctor appointment, errrrr, well we were supposed to. Whoever scheduled it forgot to put it in their computer. So we chatted with one of my favorite nurses there (she helped me a lot through my terrible anxiety states and gave me a shot in my ass, that is closeness right there). She said she doubted anything would be wrong, but they would review and call if they thought there was a problem. DH and I arrived home and slept more until ''ring ring'' you need to come in Monday for a blood draw (I found out later they thought it may be a molar pregnancy). I also received the report telling me how big my sch is, it is pretty darn large. About 16cm in volume of straight up blood. My baby is a mere half a centimeter right now. So I freaked out.

DU was on call Monday because my anxiety was through the roof. I decided to let him stay at home because I was going to sleep and he didn't need to be there to watch me sleep. I did however, ask him to bring me to my ultrasound on Tuesday morning. My anxiety was sky high and there was no way DH could get off work and I would survive alone (without a massive panic attack). DU came with me and they did a quick three minute ultrasound to check on the heartbeat. Now at 139! And I asked about the sch. The doctor said if I hadn't she probably wouldn't have even paid attention. There was no measurement taken because we didn't get a 3D ultrasound, but I am hoping it shrunk. Either way, it seems to be fairly good news.

Tuesday afternoon I had another doctor appointment and he did some adjustments to my ribs. Apparently my left side ones are pretty darn angry. I may have hurt them falling at some point and they don't lay (lie?) in the right position. But the baby looks good and I can exercise again. Except I am still taking it easy until I know the sch is gone. And today I feel like ass, bitter ass. Damn you morning sickness meets dehydration.

For now, Magoo is doing well. My next ultrasound is in a month and they will be checking for genetic problems (like a neck not developing for instance). Then another six weeks after that and we can find out if Magoo has girl or boy parts. Then a mere 22 weeks after that I can push this sucker out of me. Gosh it can't come fast enough.

I was very happy to learn my OB nurse hated being pregnant every time she was pregnant. I was worried I was the only one who isn't going to enjoy this process.