On Being Overwhelmed.

Being a parent is hard - emotionally and physically. Being a sahm who is ebf (stay at home mom...exclusively breastfeeding) is even harder. This post is not meant in any way to degrade anyone is isn't breastfeeding or staying at home, I completely get it is hard anyway you parent. I just think it is harder the way I am choosing, and able, to parent.

Working out of the house would be difficult because you spend the majority of time away from your child. You are exhausted and need to function enough to drive a car and meet someone else's work demands. Staying at home is hard because I don't get a break. I am parenting 24/7. My break during the work week is 20 minutes to shower while DH watches LO. Other than that I am at my daughter's beck and call. She needs her diaper changed, I am doing it. She wants human touch, I am holding her. She needs to eat, I am feeding her. There is no "I" anymore, it is exclusively a "we" and right now her needs come before my own. It is extremely overwhelming to never get a break, especially right now when she is going through an extremely fussy stage. I am hoping it isn't going to be her new trend. I am still my own person, but I don't get to be that person until she is further developed and can self-soothe, self-learn and self-entertain. If I need to go run a five minute errand, it is going to take me over an hour because I need to change her, feed her, put her in the car seat, get her out of the car seat, do the errand, put her back in the car seat and get home. Besides of course getting myself ready as well. That alone makes it not worth it to just run out and get out of the house. I also still lack friends, so all my time is spent with the baby and my adult conversation happens when DH gets home if he is mentally present. Sometimes he is too stressed and isn't. By the end of the work week, I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted. DH sleeps while I am up trying to get our daughter to sleep, changing her diaper and feeding her every 2ish hours. I haven't had unbroken sleep since she was born. And when you already have anxiety, being sleep deprived is not the best add on. Not being able to exercise, also not the best for me. There are trying days where I struggle to be sane, stay away and meet lo's needs. One day it will get better, but who knows when. In a month, tomorrow, in a year? Who knows when she will learn to sleep through the night or be a more efficient eater so she gets fuller and eats less often. Who knows when I will learn to balance her needs and mine. And, as my therapist said, all ebf mom's feel like single parents because there is very little the father can do. At what point does that feeling end? Because feeling like you are doing everything alone is even tougher (and I am not putting DH at fault here, if he had boobs full of milk, I am sure he would give me a break - though probably not at nights still). And the fact that LO just wants to eat from me and not sleep for me - not helpful either!

I am sure DH is also overwhelmed. He wants to see his friends, but knows he has to help me. He has not been around babies and doesn't know how they developed or exactly what to do all the time. He walks her around, changes a diaper and lays on the couch with her. I don't think he can quite fathom yet that you have to learn how to empty the dishwasher or do laundry while holding a baby. So is he tired and overwhelmed as well? Absolutely. But it was made abundantly clear today that he has no idea what it is like for me. And that only adds to my own overwhelmed-ness/isolation. So now I need to garnish a plan on how to make this easier for me. We need to compromise on what we both actually need and give up what we want. Because we will never anymore get what we want every day, every week, every month or every year. A few things, sure. But not everything and not even close to everything. We gave that up the day we decided to have a kid and now we need to actually live that choice.

Until we figure this out though, here is to surviving the insanity.