Some Me Time.

It is 3am and I should be sleeping; I recognize that. Instead, I am writing my first post in three months while watching a Disney movie. My dog is asleep next to me, the cat across the room, LO and DH in bed. The exhaustion has been almost unbearable lately with a sick, teething baby having breathing troubles. And yet, I don't want to go to sleep.

I woke up early this morning and brought LO to the doctor to make sure her cold was only a cold. I watched her all day and didn't get the break that comes with naps. Because she hasn't been napping lately. DH came home and it was straight to writing. Then, he wanted to go to the mall and wander to get out of the house. LO, though, needed to go to bed and instead became overtired.

Lately, DH has been frustrated, tired, and angers easily. This means he has a hard time with a sick, overtired baby and generally his frustration makes her frustrated. So I was up with her until midnight before she fell asleep, procrastinating the rest of my writing even more. I finally finished an hour ago, changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and am now enjoying the moment.

I can count on my hands the number of moments I've had to myself in the past year. I'm either a stay at home mom with a baby that wants to know and be in everything, avoiding naps, and making for long days. In between that and after, I am writing for two different companies while making feeble attempts at crafting my own business. When DH gets home, I write and watch the baby when he just can't. That means most nights I am up until 1am to get work done, then to bed to wake up every couple hours (or every 30 minutes while LO is sick) to nurse. At 8am, 9am if I am lucky, she is up and ready for the day and I am still exhausted. Each day continues like this until the weekend when I can sleep in. By the time I wake up, the day is gone except for time to run a few errands before dinner and putting the baby to sleep.

The house is a disaster, we have no holiday decorations up. There are dirty diapers waiting for the wet bag to dry so they can be put away. Dried peas are mashed into the floor, the couch is stained, and I have old spit up on my pants. And, I am still enjoying this moment. I cannot remember the last me time I have had. Without having to worry about a baby. Without having to worry about an overwhelmed husband. Even in the exhaustion and high anxiety, this moment is refreshing and meditative.

Now, DH has awoken after the baby stirred and it is over. Time for sleep and in a few hours, real sleep. Uninterrupted sleep. And, maybe sometime this week, a little more time for me.

Oh, How She Grows.

LO is starting to fit into 18 month clothes. Not her legs yet, they aren't that long. But shirts and dresses. She has learned how to wave, clap, high five, low five, and strum her lips like a guitar. She can pick up a ball and call it by its name. She says mama and dada. She can point at pictures of other babies and say baby. When she waves, she says bave. When she wants milk, she says mimi mimi. 

She has also found her whining voice. Oh, gosh, she is such a good whiner. She is tall and almost walking. She talks constantly. She doesn't sleep. Her teeth want to come in so badly, but they aren't. She gives mama kisses and hugs that nobody else gets. She loves to hide behind curtains and jump out. Or squat lower than the couch and jump up. Or hide behind me and jump from side to side. 

LO loves her dinosaurs possibly the best of all her toys. She loves climbing and is always extremely proud of herself. She loves her kitty and puppy, even when her puppy has extreme jealous. She is starting to hate clothes again, but hasn't figure out how to pull them off yet. 

She is incredibly intelligent, almost ten months, beautiful, stubborn, super silly, and her own person more every day. 

Attachment Parenting

My therapist wants to make sure I attach to my daughter and vice versa. But, she said she can tell E is attached to me - I just have to work on my side. Not that we aren't bonded or that I don't love her. We have a relationship, at this point it is making sure it continues to grow in a positive manner. So we are trying to do attachment parenting to accomplish this.

Attachment parenting means that you breastfeed (if possible), babywear, co-sleep. You don't let you baby cry, you read her signals. You get to know what she needs when she needs it before tantrums occur. And, I am breastfeeding. Check. I know her signals, check. I generally know what she needs, check.

But, I have stopped babywearing and I am not sure exactly why. Perhaps it is a little laziness. My excuses: its summer and hot and she is heavy. I get tired and sweaty and now put her in a stroller while we walk. I wish wish wish they made strollers where the baby could face you instead of the outside world. That is one of the reasons you babywear. She is able to block out overstimulation, see your face to know things are okay. In a stroller facing away from you, neither of these things can occur. And she doesn't need to face forward. Sure, its a new view, but there is nothing she needs to see that she can't see behind me.

We are co-sleeping, but frankly its due to necessity. E demands it. If we didn't co-sleep, I wouldn't sleep. DH probably would. She sleeps better when she is next to the warmth of a person. Leave her alone in the room and she doesn't sleep nearly as well and wakes up screaming and scared. Eventually it will get better and eventually we will both learn how to sleep with her in her fabulous crib. I can attest to the mattress being quite comfortable. I think, though, I am just as wary of her being in her own room as she is. But, for me, it is a control thing and something I just have to get over. I like knowing she is safe next to me and not worrying about whether she is breathing or if someone broke in. That's really why I like co-sleeping - because I get to be emotionally more comfortable as well. Let's face it though, she won't want to sleep in my bed until she moves out.

And, I try not to let her cry. I really do. But, sometimes I know she is crying because she needs to vent. Because she is tired and uncomfortable and can't fall asleep (heredity problem perhaps?). All I can do is let her know I am there, touch her hand, hold her if she will let me. If she is throwing a tantrum, she gets to have them. I try distraction, but if she really really wants that cat hairball to eat, she'll learn to be disappointed and get over it. I won't leave her crying if she is hurt, scared, or needing comfort. Though, I will admit. Somedays, I am just so tired. Like last Friday, when the crazy girl woke up at 6am and refused naps and was crabby and I was so so exhausted. It was all I could muster not to breakdown crying. On days like those, I am nowhere near as attentive. I make sure she is safe, but I don't really interact with her. I know that her crying will continue and so I take longer to get to it, just hoping hoping hoping she will find something to distract her back to the happy stage. It can get so overwhelming.

We are in the process of nightweaning. Some nights it is successful and she'll go 4 hours without eating (still waking however). Some nights she wakes back up 10 minutes after DH puts her down and I have to feed her anyways because he won't get back up a second time. But, we are staying consistent and eventually she is going to break and learn how to continue sleeping rather than needing help to fall back asleep. Who knows when, but it will happen.

And, we are going to restart trying to give her a bedtime again. She seems to do best when she falls asleep at 830. If nothing wakes her up: dog, alarm clock, snoring, gas, she sleeps 12 hours (waking up every 2ish). It isn't ideal, but it is an improvement. She is also more likely to nap and let's face it, we are both much happier. DH doesn't want to restart this week only because we are trying to tackle the bathroom before my parents arrive next week. So every night there is sanding, painting, ripping out tile. Not having a toilet for 2 days. Things like that. Things that make schedules in progress a tad hard since we have no idea how long it may take her to fall asleep. However, if I feel adventurous, I may start it by myself because I am so tired and its only MONDAY. Oi, here is to a long week. Let's hope we all get better sleep. And, let's hope I am not failing at attachment parenting and that I am giving enough of myself to my daughter. Even on the days all I can offer is milk and safety.

Survival.

I've never been good at maintaining a journal or anything really. My ideas and intentions remain present, but my motivation and drive falters. Unless it is a project I can finish quickly or see progress. This is not progress and there is no finish. But the main reason for my blogging hiatus is post partum depression.

It hit me. Beginning in February. I knew there was a problem, but I thought at that point I was strong enough to survive it. I was exhausted. I lied when I said I was okay. I was overwhelmed. Stressed. Not just about being a parent, but finances, a lack of family and community, the isolation, not knowing who I am. My nipples still hurt every time she ate, my only break was a 10 minute shower. My husband tried the best he could, but looking back it wasn't enough and I allowed that.

I have panic attacks every month due to the return of my period and therefore hormone surges my body isn't used to. There is not a birth control I can be on until I stop breastfeeding - another five months minimally. So until then, I just have to keep surviving. I became so tired and so anxious, the depression overtook me. To the point I would be suicidal. I had to be babysat while I was watching my own baby. And, sometimes, I still get there. But I know it is always due to a lack of sleep. To a lack of caring for myself. 

So I started taking Zoloft on April 1. Does it help? I don't know. I don't know if its the pills, going back to weekly therapy, forging friendships, forcing myself and the baby out the door every day. Trying to be a positive thinker. Somewhere in there something is working, or it is all working. 

At this moment, we are seven months in. I have learned that I allow myself to be neglected because I put my needs last. The main one being sleep. That my husband is going to be frustrated and overwhelmed with a screaming baby because at seven months, it is the first time he has really had to deal with it. I still get up every 2 hours on average at night because she wants to eat. But, during the evenings, he takes her because she has to learn self-soothing to some extent. Food can't be her comfort forever, especially with her teeth coming in. Ouch. And so these two people, know of each other, but don't really know each other yet. That is a struggle for them both. And for me. I don't want to listen to her crying and I don't want to listen to his complaining. They both tense up, cry in their own ways, and so the cycle continues. But, who knows where I would be if I couldn't just throw a boob in her face. 

I am still depressed. I am still anxious. I am still alone. I am still trying to find me. I am still poor. But, I do know my daughter. I do know what I need. I am starting to find a voice, and learning that it must be loud. Right now, it must be the loudest. Because, now I know, if I am not heard, I know where that leads. And I don't want that to be my exit. 

Here is to getting through the next five months. To remembering, this really is so much easier right now than it was at the beginning. Instead of a newborn, I have a crawling, healthy, baby with a huge personality. She laughs when I laugh. Smiles when I smile. And sometimes, falls asleep when I fall asleep. And stays asleep with me - for at least a couple hours. How can that not make you happy? 

Better Than I Can.

While this post doesn't cover all the emotions and changes you go through in becoming a Mom, it states the loss of identity in a way I have yet to be able to express. Especially because I haven't been able to get DH to understand what we are going through is not similar. It is nice to read about someone else who gets it.

http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/

Cloth Diapers.

I knew as soon as it was an option that we would be cloth diapering. From what I hear, a lot of people have trouble convincing their partners it is a viable option. Luckily, I didn't have that problem. All it took was mentioning how much money we'd save (an average of a few thousand dollars over the course of one child) and he was in. Maybe because he hadn't even experienced diapers in general that helped too?

We did have to put LO in disposables at the start, so I choose naturally made ones. Her umbilical cord had some issues and then DH was afraid of leaking so he was scared of cloth. The same day he said that, LO had her first and open poop explosion going up the back in a disposable diaper. We have been exclusive cloth diapering since!

We have about 25 pocket diapers. So there is a shell with a pocket and you shove an insert in there. They are one size, so they have snaps to fit from birth to potty training. We use Alvas, Sunbabys and G-Diapers. The G-Diapers are hand me downs and the rest are super affordable - a few bucks a diaper (including the insert). We single stuff and change every 2ish hours during the day and double stuff during the night so we don't need to change as often.

Yes, they make her bum look pretty darn large, but its also super cute! We have fun prints - spiderman, colorful circles, birds on a wire, flowers, lace. Anything you can dream of is on a diaper. In fact, we are about to have batman and elephant printed diapers on the way. And, LO had a diaper rash constantly in the disposables, now her bum is much friendlier looking.

Why people think its gross? The poop. The smell of a couple days old pee that has been sitting in a wet bag. Yep, it isn't pleasant. But totally doable. I wash her diapers once every 3 days (or less if she went through a lot). Since I breastfeed, I don't have to pretreat anything. I just pull out the insert, dump both in the washer and go. A cold rinse to get poop off, a hot wash to disinfect and a cold rinse to make sure the soap is definitely out. Then dry on low. It takes about 2 hours. We also use cloth wipes, which go in the same load so we don't have to buy any. Our electric bill and water bill have not gone up at all with the extra laundry. And when the sun comes out again, we won't need the dryer.

When LO starts eating solids, then I'll need to make sure to scrap the poop off the diaper. But it is a lot easier these days. You can do it the old fashion way and swirl it around the toilet, use an old spatula to get the poop off. Or you can use a diaper sprayer hooked to your toilet and wash it down. Or, if you are really grossed out by it, get organic bamboo (or other) flushable liners. You put it on top of the diaper and then just lift and flush when there is poop. It is biodegradable and something you can feel okay about.

So for oh maybe $300 we have all the diapers we'll need until she is potty trained. And then for nothing, we'll have the diapers we need for our next kid. Sure, I'll find cute prints here and there to add into the collection, but I don't need to. And we will never go, shit, I need a diaper and have to run to the store. Because we never run out. It is just a load of laundry away.

Granola Crunchy.

In today's baby world, people like me are called Crunchy or a Hippy. I prefer crunchy because when I think of hippy, well, people don't always use that word to mean the nicest things anymore (generally it means you're dirty, gross and probably high - of these I am none. Well definitely not high. I may be dirty and gross if I am covered with spit up or have poop on my hand I didn't see. Things like that).

Crunchy parents are those who want do to everything as organically as possible. It generally starts out with wanting a natural birth so you aren't giving drugs to your unborn baby or affecting the length of your labor. That was my intention, but I would not have made it without pain medication.

Then it generally consists of people who do these things:

- Exclusively breastfeed: I am gracefully allowed the ability to do this so far and hope I make it as long as I want to. Some people feed for the first few years of life, I will probably stop around the one year age. While I am uncomfortable with older children feeding, it is the choice of the parent/child so its not my place to say anything about it. If you can't breastfeed at all, that doesn't make you less crunchy or less of a Mom. But a crunchy Mom might just use glass bottles :)

-Cloth Diapers: Eco-Friendly, Baby Butt Friendly. My next post will be on this.

-Baby Wearing: This is one of my favorite things to do, I couldn't imagine using a stroller especially one where LO faces away from me. Baby wearing helps keep their temperature regulated by being close to you, helps your milk production, helps both your stress levels. Lets you constantly cuddle and when LO is crazy fussy, wear her around the house so you can get stuff done. You have arms while taking care of your baby. And it lets your LO look around, but when they get overwhelmed, they can nuzzle into you (which can't happen in a stroller). I highly suggest the moby and ergo. Maybe a ring sling for easy use and short trips. Do your research.

-Co-Sleeping/Bed Sharing: We bed shared most of the first few weeks of her life because she wouldn't sleep any other way. And that makes sense, babies need to be near their parents to feel safe because they are so vulnerable. But, I personally am completely uncomfortable with bed sharing (I have no problems if you want to). DH is a deep sleeper and moves around a lot, I'm terrified I would as well. So we co-sleep with her in the room with us. I'm not yet sure when we will decide to move her into her own room.

- Delayed Vaccines: Some will not vaccinate their kids at all. I personally think that is really dangerous, but am delaying. We hit her 4 month shots caught up and then will catch up again at 6 months, etc. By the time she enters school she will have all the same vaccines as anyone else. But getting the shots is traumatizing for the baby and in my opinion, there is no need to so quickly overload their bodies. For example, putting off Hepatitis B for a few weeks probably won't hurt anyone. The main reason I decided to delay is because a lot of babies have reactions to certain vaccines, but if you get them all at once you have no idea what the allergy is to. This way I know exactly how she reacts to everything.

-Baby Food Making/Baby Led Weaning: Baby food making means you make all your own food, generally using organics. This was my intention, but after researching we will do baby led weaning. This means she decides when she is ready for solids - could be five months, could be nine. And I don't make special foods for her, she eats whatever DH and I are eating (still one food at a time, every three days to allow for allergic reactions).

-Right now, I also follow LO's schedule completely. When she says she is hungry, she eats. When she tells me she is tired, I try my darnest to make it easy for her to fall asleep. When she wants to play, we play. I follow her schedule. In keeping track with it, I know she does actually have a sort of schedule and by four months, we will be sticking to that. Babies do like routine.

-Placenta Encapsulation (see older posts)

-Organic toys: Right now its easy because LO is young and doesn't need as much interaction from toys to be entertained. But I do attempt to get her all natural toys - definitely organic teething elements. We have teethers and a nursing necklace that are fully organic since they do go in her mouth. With that said, we have two Fisher Price toys that she loves (ish) and one of them I have no idea what I would do without. But I also enjoy toys that either making calming noise or no noise because I easily get sensory overloaded with noise myself.

That is all I can think of for right now, I will post more if I can remember more. And I am in no way telling you to be a crunchy parent, I just couldn't do it any other way. This is what seems natural to me. But I will say, do your research. Know why choices are made and make them for yourself and your child. I think its important to know why you are doing things a certain way - and not just because its what someone else says is best.

Until then, cheers to napping baby!